Please dont read this! :X jk

Where a thought starts is maybe just as valuable to me as what the end result accomplishes. From the weight and type of the seed or idea I could gauge all of its possibilities and with that know the outcome of its life and the best route to take. The new idea is the one I’m always after. An original thought, the deepest seed under all the layers of memory, others ideas and outward sound. For the most of the words and phrases that roll through my mind are the words of others. Not my true conscience. Like when lying awake at night and trying to rest without falling asleep I can Hear the voices of family members friends and strangers echoing in my mind. This is not my true conscience but the thoughts of others and their judgment trying to pass themselves off on to me. What my idea of ugly is, is not the mix of everyones views or perceptions or opinions but a small, distant from them and indescribable view of my own. A fat guiltiness sickening blob that eats conscience and dulls life to a sluggish sleep is my idea of ugliness. It’s not a tangible thing, just an idea. It’s something I wish to erase from existence all together for it’s the dam in my stream of conscience. To hear these voices is to be rid of them. For it is the final complete awareness of them and their roots to hear them is to see their core and to see their true motive. A lesson taught with the purpose or in the name of the purpose to elude suffering that’s end result becomes a blanket of pain thrown over an unsuspecting life. Parents try to teach but fear the pain that their child will receive in life and therefore try to protect them from it which inadvertently hampers their ability to learn and stunts their growth. The true consciousness is not a quick snap of command or judgment but one continuous thought process and view and sentence that runs through the entire life span of a person. A flow that will never end if left to run. Independence of their own standing which allows them to not live off than other or for ANOTHER. Distant to all and close to its holder the conscience is the true meaning of life and the birthplace of every great achievement. It was said once that "no man is his own island" but I know myself and I know that is exactly what I am, An island. Boats have come to my shores with the goods of others in them and I have sent out some of my own but that is only me trading with another So many great words have been spilled into books with no thought of comprehension of their effect. Fortunately for me I have no desire to teach anyone anything. That is where all the so called great writers failed me before. Self discovery is the true nature of writing. Not in terms of finding yourself but in terms of growing and uncovering gems for the soul purpose of living and living well. For what a great failure I would be if I wrote to save the world but did not consider myself the only world worth saving. So much of others time is spent trying to convince me that I should grow up and give up my childish dreams ,but what kind of horrifying contradiction is that. Production is the real subject. Not just any product but one of my own created out of my own work. A work created on my own terms. I don’t see the future as one big assembly line or corporations or any one that works for anyone else. I don’t see the forest but I see the individual tree. I don’t see the city only the will of the ones who built it. I do not believe in the sub-conscience mind only the amount of effort put into the drive of conscience. Only the desire to delude or strengthen it and the motive behind both. All energy is spent on the current moments and task whatever that may be. Life demands 100% of conscience in order to achieve happiness and that even goes for sleeping and relaxing. Even in a dream state decisions are made and their outcome is based on control over the mind. Therefore the man that takes his time all the time will probably be considered lazy. The ones that go looking for a challenge and the mean heads that wander in to things, but if someone is weak enough to get bossed around then they deserve all they get. What a complete waste of time it is to do something that you don’t desire to do! Its hard to imagine that some spend their entire ‘existence’, for lack of a better word doing just that and find no pleasure in life whatsoever . These are the ones that complain about their problems instead of working on them just take on more. One of my greatest pleasures is overcoming a problem and working on something that usually is impossible or irreverent by others. There is Nothing more beautiful in my humble opinion. Self Love is not narcissistic it is truthful and essential. So, How to see something in a new light? Hearing a song and discovering new ideas and sounds in it. New sensations. Like taking a picture not to relive the moment but to see the picture as its own moment. Some people do drugs is because their mind wants an excuse to explain themselves later to others because they care what others think. It would be a lot easier for me to care what others thought if I respected the ones that demand I care for them. I like the ones that ask questions not to get an answer but to let the other discover what their talking about, I like the ones that would spit in my face if I asked them for a favor. The demand of honesty and reason, I have found in this world my mind set and path to happiness which does not include people at all. I spend most of my time alone and happy. Its easier to stay that way longer when I think that others are doing the same. The way words flow through my head at a steady stream brings comfort to me. Just thinking the word “relax” brings me to a state of relaxation where I can let my normal flow of conscience run free and smooth out the plans I’ve made for myself. So many plans have failed because I made them at a time of high tension and energy but when I’m stable and even thoughts fall into the right places at the right time. There’s a certain process which brings me to this state and it begins with the desire to be in it. First the memory of what time I was in it followed by a way to put me in it at my giving situation. Writing is the best way to go about it. That and drawing. Music has the same calming effect. Sometimes I just stare in awe at a sketch book or journal of mine that is sitting across the room imagine the pages and how there pressed on each other. How each page is a separate life and has its own energy. I love the fact that I’ve filled them up and I find that it’s hard to pull myself out of the trance of looking at a closed book. When I go to a book store it is a spiritual experience to me. Such great achievements that are around every corner and filling every wall. Each book is a world of its own. It takes me so long to begin reading one because of the respect and admiration I have for it. I get a great sense of pride while reading and finishing a book. So much in fact that it creates a desire for me to write while in reading and it makes it even harder to finish a page. I love when books hold chapters. I like to place one finger at the beginning of each chapter and look at the overall structure of the book. There I can see the outline and the plan in its interior I love when a book is thick with small lettering. Just holding it and feeling its weight gives me a sense of pride. I find that sometimes Ill carry a book around for days and just think about reading it and get enough fulfillment out of the thought that I would’t even open it. I like having nothing else in the room but me and my books. The greatest loss I ever experienced was loosing a book that I filled to the brim with sketches and writing. I think of that book a lot and wonder where it is at and if anyone’s looking. Sometimes I like to think that it was destroyed and the only one who ever saw it was me. I know that when a person is looking through one of my books or at a painting or drawing they are seeing a glimpse of the true me. After someone sees my work I notice that they begin to listen intently on the things I say. Which they should if they really wish to achieve the same greatness and happiness in life that I have. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to live trying to please others once more... but the thought of it makes me tired and I can’t focus on it for very long. Anyone who doesn’t think themselves to be the most important and greatest thing in existence confuses me. Their lack of self confidence and self esteem is like a wall between them and me a wall that will let nothing good pass through. If there was a real way for me to help them I would. Because I know it would benefit me greatly to have others like me around but there is no way I try to teach them how to help themselves but it usually turns into a debate about all mankind and that never helps anyone. If you can’t help yourself no one can help you either. If you can help yourself you don’t need anyone’s help. This world truly is perfect and the ones that spend their time groveling and whining over everything are just throwing dirt over the diamonds. Ones that would call me arrogant just wish they could be the same and fear their own judgment on themselves. But if they were truly to judge themselves they would find that all their complaints only make their life that much harder. I am not one that separates fun and work. I am not one that considers it a chore to live. I enjoy every aspect of my life. I love writing in the sunlight being in an open field with pages that are waiting to be filled. The surrealness of watching myself fill a page or transfer what I see to paper. I know there are things in this world that are not good but I am erasing them out of my world. Rust filled cities that lay in a pool of stagnant water awaits me. Waiting for my mind to swallow them and my stomach to digest them.. My will cannot yield to the ugliest of beasts. My mind will not close to the sight of any catastrophe. My body will not except any other stance then that of a hero. The life of a tree amazes me. Their growth is so evident and their location is permanent. The fact that their roots stretch out as far as their farthest branch to me is a relation to how my imagination is stretched out as far as my experience. To think of evolution on the grand scale and time in a line takes away from the simple joys that life has to offer. Like a man not willing himself to live because he knows he’s going to die. To know your going to die must be a defeat for I don’t believe I am going to die. I know that it could be a possibility if I wanted it to me. Maybe one day I will but as for now I see no end to existence and no need for an end. I like to think of the days and nights of the years and years behind them that they spent in the house that they built for themselves and the movements they make to do simple things like picking up a glass of ice water to drink it and then setting it back down on the counter. I like to think of the form their body makes while walking to the entrance of their home. The form it makes while leaving it. I watch my lover doing his trades in our abode as i watch I am in awe of his presence while he works on it. And only after the fact do I realize I am smiling to the fact that he is like a reflection of myself at times. True friendship is when two or more people can be themselves around each other and not have to play roles. That can work around each other and not have to sacrifice anything. My friends are mostly in my own head. I have conversed with them more to myself then I would with them in real life. I like to think of them sometimes more then I like to be around them. Some of them I haven’t seen in years but still consider them closer than people I see nearly every day. I like to think of the distance between our bodies and how long it would take me to walk drive or fly to see them. Like the ocean, I like to remind myself that its only a couple hour drive to get to. The distance from me to the things that I love is where I derive a good amount of pleasure. I know once I meet with the ones I haven’t seen in years I will receive a great feeling of accomplishment in the story that only me and that person will know. I think now of the book my life a hundred years from now. Where will it be and who will be reading it? If not me I wonder if you know me. Everything has its own energy and its own story separate from the story of my life. But it intertwines. Welcome to my world of the mind. The appetite of the mind words spill out of my head like an exhale that needs no end. We are pressing onward to feel the weight of the push of words behind us and the open pages ahead. To the creatures of the mind I will bring you to life. To a beast its an adornment object. Only the mind can see the essence of this life. Like the soothing rhythm of a steady heart beat. That beat runs throughout all the lines on every page I write. As these words drain out of me. I am being filled with a quiet awe. I am at my most natural when I am in this state. The words come to mind as the letters are being laid down. Its like a window into my own mind. A window that I am creating without fear or desire to be seen. There is a heaven and hell only in the minds of those who create it. The rest of us are experience chasers. The ones that go through life and don’t bother with questions like “Why am I here?”. We know the answer. My answer is the book. I am here to give it life. I am here to create. Found inside my head, Imagine that what I see is not of this world but of my own. When I live inside this world my true life slows to a crawl. When my imagination is in full swing my life is that closest resembling of a bed bug. I don’t do any more that the bare minimum and I let a lot of opportunities by. It is like a pengolin swinging through because my life is not always life that. The pangolin itself is my life’s consistency. I know that will be and what is because its been this way ever since I could remember. On one side is imagination and on the other is reality. I am at peace at any point of the swing but I do favor some points more often. I see my life as a grandfather clock moving forward with the pendulum swinging back and fourth. It’s not always the same swing of either. Sometimes it’s faster than usual sometimes it is much slower these images connectors of points in my past that my present is just realizing of point. Some events that happened to me have planted a seed in me that a dream will usually bud. I don’t see myself struggling in life to understand things too much but I do realize that I analyze every aspect of every part of my existence. There are things that I know now not to ask because the question itself is the answer. The only thing I seek is an extended view of my existence. There is so much in the workings and so much that I’ve already have done that it’s hard to get out of bed sometimes because I get the sense of fulfillment just from being. That is when I know a new challenge is coming along. The things that matter most to be are not decided upon and changed in a moment or two. I have immersed myself in large tasks that have an evolution rate outside of the grasps of the panicking mind. Only to be worked on at times of ease and mindfulness. Music alone is enough to keep me going forever and the way I have set its development up is in the relation to the rest of my life. If I am to juggle more than two tasks at a time everything must run smoothly and without rush decisions. If I want to live as a musician and artist I must set my life up as one and the process in doing so must not have been all the way thought through. It’s all in the planning for a long life it’s impossible to do overnight especially when I expect to live forever. It is constant work to be in the workings every day. Like a director a needs to work out a routine it’s something that is woven into life. Most of the achievements that people wish to accomplish are mostly well thought out first. Meditation is just a long period of time that is taken out to think about one subject. Meditation shows the clearest path of where you are and where you are going. Most of my greatest realizations came through meditation. By narrowing down on what I wanted I was able to open new ways of accomplishing it. This has been written a million times over in a million different ways for it is the first discovery in life. The realization that if you want done something done and done your way, you have to do it. In the wilderness, the undiscovered parts of my mind and my life I know I’ll find my happiness. For I find it every time I journey through the uncharted. My tool is the constant realization I am what I am doing. I am the experience. I am the writer. All that I do is all that I am and everything I think about is all I can ever truly be. I am the word that I write. I am the word that I speak. It’s a very calming knowledge that soothes me and washes away all unnecessary actions and thoughts. The knowledge in to the path ,of which I choose to travel. For if I do not take my time, someone will. I am going through life to enjoy every aspect of it. Every breath in and every breath out. Its my way and my ethics. I know if I'm not injuring myself then I must be doing something wrong. For I do not believe that sacrifice brings about my happiness there for I know every moment I live I should be living well. For simple pleasures are the only true pleasures in life. I cannot think of one complicated and stressful pleasure that exists. Mostly because of the obvious contradiction. He least amount of energy for the max amount of result. That is what I consider pleasure. Just to look at something, to see it! I derive most of my pleasure through sight. Like the evening. Summer evenings are my favorite time of all things that make up the day the evenings is where it all can be seen. Its like the synapses of a book or the closing paragraph. It is the pulling of the day. Nothing compared to where all my senses become aware of my surroundings. When I expand to fill a room and begin to pour into the house entirely. When I become aware of the dimensions of my body in relation to the objects around me it’s around this time that everything begins to have a cartoon quality about it and I enjoy the slightest movements. It is easier for me to act in this frame of mind because everything has a clear and steady purpose. My motions fall directly in the line with that of my mind and there is no second guessing. It’s here when I begin to question if I ever really need sleep. I enjoy walking when I’m in this state. To watch something from a distance and my understanding of what I’m seeing. Simplicity comes from distance, and on caution when I very still simplicity comes right up to me and kisses me on the forehead. To watch my destination from a distance close in and surround me then change as I go onward to another point further through time. Its like finishing a page then turning to the next. A new frontier for me to excavate, A new experience for me to discover. A conscience with sporadic growth that twists and turns unravel to compliment its goal: growth for the sake of growing. Like an extended stretch that spans for the course of many days. I unleash these words with a flare to match my desire for seeing them come to life. Why have they separated man from nature? A question that answer spells death to me. Separate yourself from nature and you cease to exist. Separate your pleasures from your work and you doom yourself to a life of slavery and misery. Separate your mind from your body and you kill advancement and productivity in your life. If it seems as if I think I know it all, thats because I do. I have my own truths. If someone else can take something away from my understanding then wonderful but each individual will have to come to thier own realization. It is not that I lack sympathy for each person in the world. I just would like to see people follow my lead and help themself. We are all beautiful in our uniqueness. If someone is happy being sad then by all means but if not it is not so hard to change your own reality. Tweak your view of the world and let it be as wonderful as it is. The elemets like stone are amazing but it would like for you to dote on it.

Missing Memories

I am really not very good at blogging, although i have been doing it irregularly since i was a middle school student. Looking back at what posts have not been lost forever (much to my dismay) I always seem to write about the same type of things. Its never so much what is going on currently unless it is a small hint for myself to remind myself of something important. Rather I tend to write about things I have trouble remembering. Once I start writing about something or thinking about it I go off on a tangent and start remembering all sorts of things. Why I have so many missing memories is because i have led many lives. Being a gypsy is one way I have tried to explain my story to others in lamest terms. I have been lucky enough to have many chances to evolve and learn about the nature of what is U.S. Some of the things i need to be careful about this time in my blogging is to stay on point and care about having an audience other then myself. The Internet is no place for private thoughts that are only clear to myself. The rants are essential however because Its the only way I will be able to tie my life together and process what important facts I need to uncover and keep close. My history is a jumble and I feel certain that it was ME who made it that way. I tried to forget things. Good memories were far to sad now that they are gone and bad memories were purposly and easily snuffed out. Now 8 months ago i realized that i need all of them and i have begun trying to devulge information that has been locked away behind the obsticals of time/ walls i built. I couldnt find myself with as much ease if it hadnt been for all the love i have been recieving here in Mass. I knew I could go anywhere in the world and i chose to come here. I feel secure knowing i am exactally where i physically need and desire to be at this point in time. I look forward to sharing. This is my destiny. I will be very open just as I have begun learning how for the past few months. Love, peace, rock&roll be with you